Aloha Hash House Harriers #1708
Thanksgiving Campout (aka the I Had No Choice Hash)
Hares: ThunderDrunk, Hello Shaved Kitty, and (Guest Hare) Cocktoberfest!
So, there I was…
We arrived at Camp and saw that the actual grounds were down a large set of stairs. Bemoaning all the trips we’d be taking just to get our gear down, we grabbed the first load and set off. Thunder and Taking the D had already arrived and we beginning to set up, so we all chose where we wanted to pitch our tents and got to work erecting them. Realizing the Jeep was too far to plug in the air mattress, we realized it was going to be a long weekend on that hard, sloping hill. (Shout out to 99 for doing us a solid with his portable generator on the second night- we owe you, man!)
We inspected the area and were pleased that the restrooms were so close to Camp this time and actually had a shower stall. There was odd signage about not flushing sticks or wrapping paper, but at least the women had doors on their stalls. For some reason, the solo-stall men’s room was missing the door and toilet was completely exposed to anyone brave enough to glance into the entrance. (Just, why?) Sadly, the whole “Poop alone/Poop with friends” option was off the table for the dudes. I’m not sure what they did to lose that privilege, but it must have been one very bad decision.
As we waited for the Full Moon Trail to commence, Taking the D whipped out a whipped cream dispenser and unleashed fresh cream into the mouths and cleavages of several hungry Hashers. Some of it made it down the throat or into the mouth, but there were one or two times it just ended up spraying the face. It was messy, but damn, was it delicious.
Soon, it was time to see the full moons. The Pack set out right at dusk and made our way into the Trailhead. After quite a lengthy Trail with almost no light to guide the way, we finally made our way to the Beverage Check. As we were attempting to have Circle, the sky opened up and soaked us through. We headed back to Camp in the pitch black, but after a short while noticed that Teenee hadn’t made it back yet. We ended up sending out a search party and soon after Teenee emerged from the woods with his heroes. Crisis averted.
A few minutes after the confusion had died down, we all realized that Thunder and Taking the D had abandoned camp. Confused and a little perturbed, the Pack decided to exact a little revenge. Their Vessels were located and promptly violated. Let’s just say, they really had a ball with them.
We must have appreciated the moment a little more than we thought, because a random dude from the scouts’ Camp came over demanding to speak with the manager, I mean “the dude who was laughing so loud.” Everyone chortled and gestured to Coctoberfest, whose genuine apology seemed to appease. As the guy was walking away, I also stepped over, expressing apologies and that we completely understood why he was so upset. He responded with “It’s great that you’re sorry, that does a lot of good.” Um, ok, my passive-aggressive friend.
There were impromptu late-night burgers as we tried half-heartedly to keep the noise down, but the mood was decidedly less jovial. It was concluded that Midnight Trail would only take place on Saturday instead of both nights, so after a short while, most of us headed to the wetness of our tents.
The next morning over coffee and muffins, we slowly got the blood flowing and began planning the day. Titless decided to take a quiet moment and just relax, but was inadvertently surprised by none other than our shushing friend from the night before. After a brief exchange of pleasantries, they both carried on with their mornings and respective doodies. This interaction later reinforced the need for a bouncer at the door to reinstate the choice to poop alone or with friends. DDT, FTW!
Meanwhile, we made sure to stare down the other Camp as they ate breakfast. Much to our delight, they broke Camp instead of staying through the weekend. Since you could hear a pin drop from 10 feet away, there’s little doubt that they heard us celebrating their departure or our reHashing the prior interaction. Just before they were about to take off for one last hike, my biggest fan and Titless’ new BFF made his way over to us. He asked to speak with “the lady that he told off” the night before. Raising a hand, I wryly said, “That would be me.” I walked over and he apologized for stepping out of line, which I easily accepted. I then offered him a cold one, but for some reason, he wasn’t into drinking so early and especially on Trail. Shocker?
After the interaction with our new buddy, Thunder and Diddy decided to participate in the Trialcothon Challenge. After quickly completing the first leg, it was on to the next. As any good Hasher knows, the best way to get through all those brews is to make it a game and what better way than a rousing round of ThunderDrunk? (Word to the wise, a few unlucky players will end up chugging through the long verses and interlude, so figure out where you need to stand before it begins. Trust me, my guy, you’ll thank me.) A few hours later, Sack Attack arrived and jumped right into the challenge, going at it hard and fast to try to catch up. I mean, no one ever had ragrets over that, right? Not even a single letter.
To our great annoyance, we saw that another group was setting up where our friend has just departed. We only got to rejoice in our solitude for an hour before our privacy was (yet again) violated. That’s when we began to formulate a plan about relocating Circle and other revelries away from Camp. That settled, it was time to hit the Trail! The Pack departed and made their way along the path as we enjoyed gorgeous rainbows and a fairly easy hike.
The Eagles had a somewhat more difficult route, but had a Beverage Check at the waterfall, where they all jumped in for a refreshing frolic and a group photo. Tummy seemed to enjoy it most of all, with the refreshing water hitting every exposed inch. They continued crossing streams again and again after that, but none so impressive as the piss arc stream created back at Camp by Teenee.
Diddy only had the third leg of the Tri Challenge left by the time he began Trail, so he carried the wine bottle with him and downed it within minutes as they hiked. Seriously, is that a record? Way to go, my dude!
Meanwhile, Cocktoberfest and I manned the Turkey/Eagle Beer Check and waited as the faraway Eagles made their way to us. Things were taking a little longer than anticipated with a few Eagles, so we redirected Trail straight back Camp so everyone could assemble on time for the feast and Circle. Along the way, we rounded up Ska and Super Spreader and spoke with several hikers who were eager to learn our Beer-loving ways. (Shout out to Johnny Bravo- cum back to the Hash!) As we were halfway back, we learned that we had a couple Hashers in trouble, so Thunder ran back to Camp and relayed a Pedialyte to Taking the D so Tummy could rehydrate. Not missing a beat, Diddy Kong picked up our ailing friend and did a fireman’s carry all the way back. (Anyone else start singing “We Need a Hero?” right about now?)
Once we returned, the Pack feasted on two smoked turkeys and all the fixings while recovering from the long, punishing Trail. Then it was time to move the festivities somewhere less scouty and a lot more discreet than the night before.
Knowing the gate was locking down and several Hashers needed to leave Camp, we got right down to the formalities. Nocturnal had just completed his 69th Hash (69, Dudes!) and got flossed while inverted, while Fee Fi Fo Fuck had completed 15. Wet and Dirty presented Thunder with a birthday cake, where we discovered that her birthday was the day before. It was at that moment that the abandonment started to make sense.
Inspired by actual events, 2 new songs were introduced at Circle. The first was to honor Diddy Kong, who, like a beast, carried Tummy back to camp. (He is indeed a True Hash Hero!) The other was to honor our illustrious RA, who seems to be a Hashit magnet that almost ended up with back-to-back wins. Miraculously, despite having the fervent votes of almost everyone, she was able to turn the tide and swing the vote to Diggin, who had enjoyed a little late-night streaking the evening before.
After Circle, several of us ran back to Camp to grab essentials like the firepit and more snacks. We sat and relished the much-needed privacy and campfire in the cool night air. As we warmed ourselves by the fire, several Hashers nodded off, either from sheer exhaustion or the fact that their Tri Challenge was coming back (or in Sack’s case, up) to slap them in the face.
The hour was growing late and soon it was time for Midnight Trail! All I will say is that a fabulous Trail was run and that any and all festivities that took place were glowyous. We stayed and enjoyed the fire a while longer and Thunder completed her Tri Challenge. Huzzah! Soon after, most of us headed back to Camp to finally sleep off the long weekend of festivities.
The next morning, we were barely conscious and in desperate need to caffeine and sustenance. Crazy Whorez came to our rescue with mimosas and malasadas, which we happily enjoyed as we endured the exhausting trek around our village. Soon after, it was time to break Camp and load up to head home.
On one of the many trips up the stairs to the car, we crossed paths with one of the troop leaders. I smiled and said “Good morning” but he scowled muttered “Good morning. Now no contact.” For some reason, they really liked shushing us. Maybe our BFF had warned him about us, who knows?
Despite the strange interactions, it was still a fabulous weekend. Although we did our best to lose or injure Hashers on Trail, everyone made it back mostly intact. Rescues took place again and again, but at least no one ended up at the hospital.
We even had a few memorable quotes. Let’s play a little game of “Guess Who Said it at Camp?”, shall we?
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.”
“I’m just a whore.”
“I had no choice.”
“Wait- you hit your head at Campout again?”
There were also a few important takeaways about making good choices, friends. First, never leave your Vessel unattended after abandoning the Pack. Next, never trust said Pack if they either refuse to make eye contact as you’re taking a sip or can’t look away from the Vessel as you do. Most importantly, never, under any circumstances, trust that they haven’t violated said Vessel.
Also, be sure to watch your footing while trying to hit the head, or you just might fall and hit your head.
Again, it’s all about choices. Sometimes you roll the dice hoping you’ll poop alone and sometimes you’ll end up playing craps.
Of course, some of these details could have been left out. However, like our wise friend Titless once said, I simply had no choice.
Your doubling-down friend,
-Gex