Aloha Hash House Harriers #1713
It’s the End of the Year Hash
Hares: Fee Fi Fo Fuck (F4), Parentis Interruptus, Diddy Kong MD, Diggin For Love In All The Wrong Places, CPS
So, there I was…
I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if I go astray, but when I woke up this morning, could’ve sworn it was a hashing day!
In fact, it to be the last Hashing day of the year and what a great day, it was! The weather was perfect- the sun blazed high, but a gentle breeze swept through every so often to cool things down. Despite this, there was something else in the air- a mix of uncertainty and impending doom. With 123123 just hours away, it felt a little like Y2K. It could very well have been the end of the world as we knew it. With that in mind, we decided that we were going to hash like it was 1999!
As 2:00 grew nigh, we assembled in the lot and then made our way just inside the beach path, where there was a little more privacy and space to hold Chalk Talk. In addition to the usual markings, we were told to keep an eye out for Whales, which could be spotted from the numerous surrounding vistas. Diddy advised that there would be plenty of opportunities for Eagles to get froggy, but that if they were on the slower side or not as athletic, to avoid one of the splits to keep everyone on time. Best of all, there would be numerous chances for Beverages! Hash Flash grabbed the very last group photo of the year and at exactly 2:20, the Hares took off. We gave them a 10 -minute head-start before setting out after them.
While making our way up the paved path, eager Eagles started passing us by and a couple brushed against me. There may have even been a drive-by ass swat or two, although both were answered with palm-twitching accuracy. That said, one overzealous swat caused the cone of the Hashit to fully unscrew and it fell off and tumbled down the path. It was quickly recovered and returned to its originally glory, but such an infraction is inexcusable.
It was growing hotter while hiking up the hill, but we needed to work off all the Beverage Check calories anyhow. Soon enough, we found F4, who hydrated us with shots, Beer and (thankfully) water before sending us on our way.
We continued up the steep incline and were treated to blooming cacti, striking flora and fauna and yet more altitude. The punishing heat was a factor, but the sizzling pavement proved a little too much for some of the pups and they turned back.
Finally, we spotted Torque at a scenic look-out and she fortified us with more Beer and water. Just when we thought the end (of the ascent) was nigh, she said there was one more, much higher climb to go and sent us on our way to find PI. Truthfully, the climb wasn’t tough at all and we reached him in just a few moments. Huzzah!
There was a gentle breeze and plenty of shade to cool off under while taking in stunning view. It was yet another perfect spot for a selfie or to just sit and wait for the asteroid to hit. We toasted our survival with champagne and took a much-needed break before returning back down the path again. (Eagles had taken a detour further up the hill to the pillbox and Super Eagles muscled up a 7-foot vertical climb to meet them, then they made their way down to PI.)
By the time we made it back to the look-out spot, marks redirected us behind it and down the cliff face. We traipsed along the ridge, taking in the view and occasional cactus or flower.
Soon enough, we came upon a massive boulder, where the quickly-eroding path on the cliff face narrowed to a 2’ section leading into a blind curve. (Now what could possibly go wrong?) Vertigo Level- unlocked!
Assessing the situation, I realized I had 3 choices. First, I could go back up the way I came, but seeing the steep ascent, I decided that option wasn’t ideal to do alone. I could hug the boulder and shimmy my way around on that narrow cliff. Or, I could go around the leeward side of the boulder, which also offered no clear view of the terrain. I’d already abandoned the idea of going back up the way I came and there was no way I was shimmying that wee little path. (With steep ridges all around us, my mind said prepare to fight, but if I’m getting lost, I’m gonna listen to my body tonight!)
After a moment, I reset and decided the leeward route was my best option, so I forged my own path between the ginormous rock and a group of apocalyptically burned trees. A moment later, I was back on trail!
Once on the other side, it was surreal to look out and survey all the scorched trees and terrain where I stood. I half-expected tumbleweeds to breeze by or zombies to climb out of the grey wasteland of ash and decay.
Finally, we arrived at Pele’s Chair, where Hashers had a chance to perch upon the ancient rock and survey the Armageddon-like wonder all around. This was yet another fantastic spot for a photo, so after a quick flash, we continued down the ridge.
The rest of the descent proved much easier and soon we were stepping down onto solid ground and kissing the sandy beach below. Once we recovered, we spotted F4 on the beach and she provided us with a delightful Pinot Grigio to celebrate our survival. Then she directed us to continue along the path, or if we were feeling froggy, to take a shortcut through the shallow water. In total there would be three water crossings, where Diddy would be waiting in the waist-deep water with yet more refreshments.
We made our way back along the paved path until we spotted the rest of the pack cheering and waiting with much-needed refreshments back at On-Start. Knowing we wanted to party like it was 1999, festivities began and we got right down to Circle.
Hello Shaved Kitty, one of our illustrious GM’s, welcomed everyone and introduced MisMan. Your hard-working Meisters and Mistresses were hailed and then it was time to welcome returners and visitors!
Then Hash Cash and Hash Flash were called up to be honored. Both spend time helping ensure the Hash procedures are documented and carried out before the Pack sets out, so Thunder wanted to acknowledge their contribution and honor their service.
There were plenty of opportunities to grab refreshments on Trail, so the Hares were honored for starting and ending on time, all those tasty Beverages and most importantly, their fantastic lay.
Honors continued when Whore’n on the Cob was streamered for 50 Trails and and MonoRail Me for 25. Congrats on (surviving) all those Trails!
No one got lost, but one or two created their own Trail. Resurrectum, Teenee and a couple others were called out for shortcutting.Although Blood on Trail wasn’t called out, Nasty Gash lived up to his namesake by giving himself yet another nasty gash when his hand (and left ass cheek) broke his fall.
Next, the brand-new Hashit was paraded one last time for 2023, boasting new additions like a pipe-ducking Mario and adjustable strap to fit any girth. (New Year, new you, indeed!) Then, accusations began to determine who would claim it for the first Trail of 2024.
Now, the moment the Hashit came apart on Trail and a piece hit the ground, I knew I was undeniably deserving of punishment. When it came time to accuse, I pointed a Hashy elbow directly at myself and stepped forward. It was then pointed out that Nasty Gash had inadvertently caused said Hashit fail and he was invited into Circle to join me, along with Diddy, who had worn a hat into Circle earlier. While addressing the Pack in preparation for voting, it was pointed out that Thunder wasn’t wearing a whistle, so she was tossed in with us wanks. There were only feeble cheers for Diddy or I, so Nasty Gash and Thunder were the last 2 standing. After one final vote which was merely a formality, there was a resounding roar for Thunder, who was reunited with the Hashit once again.
Soon after, Circle closed and the pack dispersed. Several of us headed to On-Afters and toasted our existence with yet more liquid libations and actual sustenance. We reHashed the day and marveled at how fabulous Trail was and the fact that everyone made it out just fine.
I mean, we did wonder for a minute there. The strange coincidences of biblical proportions, like water, wine and scorched earth definitely gave us pause. Despite it all, we made it! It was the end of the year (and Trail) as we knew it and we felt fine!
Hashy New Year!
-Your fellow Hashitless survivor,
Gex