Aloha Hash House Harriers #1714
Best Trail of the Year, So Far…
Hares: Wet & Dirty, ThunderDrunk, & Hit Dat Spit, White Boy
So, there I was…
As we began to arrive and mingle with our fellow Hashers, we were immediately perplexed by an odd sound emitting just a stone’s throw from us. We wondered- was it a Weed Whacker? A swarm of bees? Someone in severe intestinal distress? No, it’s a wee little model plane! We briefly pondered if they ever went full-on Battle Bots in the air or engaged in mini ACM, but soon enough we were called up for Chalk Talk.
Our Hares declared that there would be plenty of Fish Hooks and that there would be something to bring back to the DLF to share. There would also be other items that they would just need to bring back to Circle so they could claim a special prize. There would be no Turkey or Eagle Trail; it would just be one Trail to rule them all. We were to also look out for a long white streamer flag and be sure to turn there, whatever that meant.
Then, Hash Flash flashed us and the Hares were off to set Trail!
Cadbury warmed us up with The Chicken Power Team song and we flapped and clucked until it was time to begin.
We all set out together and made our way around a slightly inclined path for a while until the Eagles picked up the pace and ran out of sight. After just a few moments, we saw Major Fuckup and Kitty make their way back with the FRB beer and watched as they lapped up and pushed their way back up to the front.
We stayed on that path and it wasn’t long before it finally curved around to reveal a rather shiggylicious climb. The bugs were swirling and although I had sprayed myself generously, I regretted not actually taking the bottle of bug spray with me on Trail. There was a long WitchyWay and then finally a steep, thin incline with mud, loose rocks and few footholds. Several of us looked up that hill and wondered if it was best to take the middle, or try to go up either side. A few went left, some went right and the rest just barreled up the middle. Hashers were sliding back, no matter which way they chose, so some shifted over mid-way through. I was about halfway up the middle when someone swung out from the right and then onto the space directly above my head, so I was suddenly stopped mid-grasp. (Not the best move there, friend!) My inner Gecko held on for dear life for several moments until there was room to continue upward and finally up to the top. Huzzah!
We continued on along the path and were once again greeted by a No-No-ing Major and Kitty, this time with delightful undies over top of their shorts, followed shortly by Sack. (So that explains why we would need “only one!”) One more steep WitchyWay later, we were at the top and enjoying Beers with Wet & Dirty and White Boy!
After a short while, a few of us set out to the next Beer Check. We finally came upon the long white streamer that White Boy had told us about and found a most unexpected Trail Treasure- it was Mt. Vepoopius in her carrier, just hanging out by herself! We figured that Resurrectum was nearby and scouting the best way down, so we hung out with her a moment until he returned. He swung our happy little friend onto his back and then he, Lac-a-Labido and Just Alex happily began the descent. Fire Hazard and I peeked over, then just shook our heads and stood there a moment, considering our options. I had no intention of going that way and neither of us wanted him to go it alone. I was relieved when another Hasher arrived and Fire hazard had someone to safely follow.
They continued on and had Beers with Thunder at her hammock and swung around on an epic tire swing. After, they encountered 4 or 5 roached-out cars in the woods, which may have been remnants of an illegal chop shop that finally got raided. (Mental note- free Jeep parts!) Soon enough, they were making their way On-Home!
While waiting at the top of that ridge, I saw PI making his way over. As we stood at the edge of said cliff face and considered our options, we saw the drone above us and I threw my hands up and gave it an irreverent wave. (It was right after this that the drone captured us taking control of our fate and making our damned Trail! Ain’t no shame in that game.)
We did quite an impressive rim job for a while before cutting in and slowly descending. Soon enough, we were back at the top of a pine-needle laden clearing at “Pine Tree Hill.” “Pine Tree”, yes; “Hill,” not so much. We stood there at the top trying to find the best way down, but every path was insanely steep, narrow and covered with those damned needles. (Comparing it to the drone photos, it seems like our own path wasn’t much better, but at least we could see everything in front of us!) Just like before, the middle path was chosen and we slowly made our descent. PI went backwards feet first and I hit my stride by getting low and just surfing it. (Cowabunga, Dudes!) We finally made it down that insanely long semi-vertical slide and promptly celebrated our survival. Impromptu Turkey Trail, for the win!
We cut back in and after a while and several switchbacks and dead tree branches later, ended up right against the quarry. Deciding we weren’t into playing with the big Tonkas or their pile of rocks, we cut back inward and upward until we could find another way around. The whole time, I was keeping tabs on the fact that as we were climbing upward again, we’d then have to make our way back down. The Hares had set the bar high so there was nowhere to go but up… and up and up. We just kept on climbing. A little voice kept telling me that what goes up must come down. How quickly that happened was really the question. Not only that, but the shiggy seemed to be getting thicker and taller as we retreated deeper into the ridge. Where the hell was that Weed Whacker when you needed it?
Finally, we heard nearby cars and spotted the road! Just as we were climbing down and setting foot on solid ground, Fee Fi Fo Fuck met up with us and we began the paved trek On-Home. It was there that we spotted our first marks since that long white surrender flag at the top of the ridge. We followed the purple arrows and listened for the sound of angry bees until we spotted the Pack pre-gaming Circle with tasty beverages.
Once back, we had just a moment or two before it was time to Circle up. Kitty greeted everyone, MisMan was introduced and then the Virgins, visitors and transplant were welcomed. Congrats, you 4 aren’t Virgins anymore!
We got right down to business and began honoring several Hashers with icy cold streamers. Whore’n on the Cob and SPCA were honored for 50 Hashes, Nasty Gash and I for 25, and Mt. V and Swear Jar Jar for 15. Any dentist would approve of just how much flossing we had going on!
Wet and Dirty was accused of forgetting that Nasty Gash had 25 Trails. The Hares then called up everyone who found underwear on Trail and honored them with tasty beverages. There were so many more than we’d actually seen, because no one needed to run them back to anyone, just bring them back to Circle. (Did anyone confirm that all of said underwear were brought by the Hares? I saw plenty of similar Trail Treasure that day, so you never know?) Speaking of Trail Treasure, Resurrectum brought back a sweet little ride-on car for Mt. V that he proudly sat upon the entire Circle.
Then it was Hashit time! While presenting the Hashit for the week, Thunder showed off the latest addition- laminated lyrics to the Thunder Hashit song! PI and I were also called up for not following the actual Trail, but were quickly vindicated for keeping ourselves alive instead of getting evacced off the cliff face. After all, we do what we damn well please!
Wet & Dirty and Thunder were also called up, but White Boy took home the coveted prize for previously calling out his co-hares during Chalk Talk for lack of “good ideas.” (Oh, just before departing the island, Just Ellis told me the best part of his entire trip was with the Hash, so your ideas were awesome, Hares!)
Soon enough, Circle was closed and the Pack scattered. Most of us ended up going to On-Afters, with an impressively huge turnout, which more than made up for that time when literally no-one else showed up. As usual, the food was delicious and the staff was fabulously awesome. I think it’s safe to say we can show our faces there again!
Speaking of awesome, these Hares have given us some of the scariest, steepest trails- yet not just this year, but last as well. This one was no different. With nowhere to go but up, the Hares are still the undefeated champs… so far!