Aloha Hash House Harriers #1718
The Keyhole Hash
Hares: Digging for Love, CPS, 4 Ways to Italy, Tummy Sticks, and Teenee Weenee
So, there I was…
We arrived at the park quite early and for once had plenty of time to relax and prepare for Trail. As I was pulling out the shiggy socks and loading up the bag, I realized my Trail shoes never made it to the car. Disappointed about missing Trail, I quickly realized there were worse places to hang out since the car was nearby with my chair and plenty of refreshments to enjoy. The wind was already beginning to gust as the Pack was arriving, so I was slightly less upset than a few moments before.
Others began to arrive and we saw several new (and a few old) faces. There were 5 Virgins- it’s been a while since we had that many newbs. In fact, one Virgin showed up because someone told him all about the Hash, but he only knew their muggle name. Said half-mind wasn’t part of the active roster, so no one actually knew who they were. ThunderDrunk and Wet & Dirty both brought their moms, so each got to meet their Hash MIL! Speaking of, if you were on Trail that day, you no doubt saw double. Wet & Dirty’s mom easily passes for her from the back, especially when she has the braids and is wearing Dirty’s Hash gear. (Yes, there are pics!)
Soon enough, it was time to Circle up for Chalk Talk and then we gathered by the play structure for a quick group photo. Once the Hares took off, the Pack danced and flapped their arms to Father Abraham, much to the delight of all the keiki nearby. Then the Pack was away! There was a True Trail mark that everyone dutifully followed, but after a few moments realized there were no other marks and quickly returned. Upon closer inspection, said marking had extra lines on it and was potentially crossed out, but those lines were barely discernable. Un-True Trail and more Hare lies, indeed.
During Chalk Talk, we saw Teenee tossing flour and carrying a step ladder in the opposite direction, but had dismissed it as shortcutting to a Beer Check. (Then again, since when does Teenee pre-lay a Trail?) Realizing we were meant to actually follow those marks, we then set off after Teenee. We came to a fence that had a section laid flat on the ground with a rope tied to it, which was meant to help guide everyone down into the culvert. Some used the provided rope and others just went for it. It was at that point that we noticed a Karen standing on her lanai openly videoing us. Once most had taken off following a trail, she began loudly cursing and questioning us. It seems that a Hare had relocated that section of the (already broken) fence to proceed that way, but she was adamant it wasn’t broken before. Once the last Hasher had descended and was taking off after the Pack, we removed the rope and set the fence back into place and secured it as before. That seemed to shut her up and we walked back to On-Start. Everyone who didn’t use the culvert then proceeded along the sidewalk to go find Trail and meet back up with the Pack.
Not long after that, the Eagles snared the Hare (Digging) part way up the ridgeline, searching for the Fireball she had stashed under some cactus. After a few minutes the Eagles punted on the search and carried on. A while later Major Fuckup found the Fireball, but it was about a half mile and a thousand cacti off from where Digging was searching. They also met up with Four Ways at Beer Check 1 and Tummy/CPS at Beer Check 2. The wind was insane and a few times Hashers were concerned about being gusted right off the ridge.
It wasn’t that long until the overachieving Eagles began showing up at On-Home. Eagles like FRB Resurrectum arrived back just after 4 P.M., so there was no Beer in sight yet. Shortly after, Major Fuckup and Pity Channel arrived covered in rather impressive scratches from head to toe. We asked how they made it back to quickly and were told that they took a shortcut by plowing through the bush.
The Turkeys had their own share of adventures in the kiawe and cacti. (Build-a-Boner’s leggings took one for the team!) At one point, ThunderDrunk threw shade at her Hash wife about her height when it was noted that the kiawe thorns hitting them in the thighs were actually hitting a wee bit lower for her. In addition to all the holes, they also fended off all the balls flying at their faces. Fore!
About halfway up the ridge, the Turkeys stopped to take in the scenic view. Koko really brought the view, because her back side resembles a giant vagina. This totally checks out, since legend states that Koko Crater is the imprint left by a magical flying vagina. They ended up at the Beer Check with Four Ways and then No-No-ing it On-Home from there.
Once everyone had returned and was enjoying a pre-Circle beverage, we relocated Circle from the picnic bench and settled much closer to Karen’s place. The idea was to spread out and catch the last few minutes of sunlight, but the delightful bonus was her being within earshot of our shenanigans and personal serenade.
Although the wind was gusting and it was quite chilly, Circle took much longer than usual because there were so many things to celebrate. There were Returners, Transplants to greet and all the Virgins to welcome.
There were also several Hashers who were honored for having absolutely no life. 99 Problems was called up to Circle to honor him as a bi-Centurion with 200 Aloha Hashes, but he had already bounced because it was cold and windy. There were 99 Hashers present, but he wasn’t one!
Diggin for Love was honored for 50 Hashes (Next week will be 69- not confusing at all!) and Fee was streamered for 25. Huzzah!
It was also Teenee Weenee’s 69th birthday, so we sang a rousing version of Hashy Birthday and celebrated with cake.
Sadly, DHL wasn’t here to parade the Hashit this week and show off the new additions or to pass it along to the next victor. Once again, it stays in his possession another week and all the bushwhackers and offenders got a last-minute reprieve for their transgressions.
After an eternity, Circle was finally closed and most of the Pack headed to On-Afters. They tolerated our noise well enough, but then again, we were outside braving the fierce wind and rain that managed to penetrate the screen and pelt us. It was so chilly that blankets and towels were retrieved. The food was fairly decent and our server was awesome and easily handled the massive chaos, so it’s great option for the next time we next Hash near Karen’s place!
Speaking of giant gashes, this being the Keyhole hash, it seemed an appropriate name due to the sheer number of holes on Trail. There was a keyhole shape in the rock formation and the shiggy poked holes in shoes and utterly destroyed leggings. Even the flowers had charmingly suggestive holes. Oh, and lest I forget, the huge vagina and gaping hole in the fence. I wholly enjoyed this one. Well-played, Hares. Well-played.
-Your (cozy and warm) never -leave-camp friend,
Gex