Aloha H3 #1722
Leap Day Hash
Hares: Torque & Lick Me
The Road to Barad Dur Hash
Hares: Tummy Sticks, Pipe Cleaner, Fee Fi Fo Fuck, Diddy Kong Micro Dong
So, there I was…
A small crowd of Hobbits gathered at the Shire to the one activity they cold only accomplish once in every one and half thousand days. This, of course, was the Leap Day Patch Challenge. The task was simple- all were lined up in a row and assumed the position (on one’s knees!) one after another. The person in the rear leapt their way to the front and once there, assumed the position themselves and drank until the were relieved by the next DFL. Some leapt and others twirled, rode the bull, Salmon- Checked, danced or ass-slapped their way to the front. When one finished their drink, they were out. We must have gone seven or eight rounds before it was down to our visitor from Tokyo and I, so we gave a rousing “Konpai!” and celebrated our meaningless victory. He also brought a large bag of cold drinks for us to enjoy, so many “Huzzahs” were shouted in his honor.
Patches were forgotten, but we managed to grab a hasty group photo so we knew who would get honored (I’ll get on’er!) at the next Hash.
On-Afters was a great little Thai place. The only bummer was how long it took to get individual plates, plus the cryptex-level decoding it took to figure out the shared bill. That said, it was still a solid choice and is sure to be in our rotation. After a fun night of frolic and food, all departed to rest up for the long Journey soon ahead.
Little more than a day later, we gathered once more. As any Hobbit would know, Second Breakfast always happens if there is a second Journey in one week. Hobbits love to play and are always up for an adventure, so it’s only natural they frolic in the Shire. This time, however, they wouldn’t be leaping, but forging jungle and ascending great heights.
Once all had arrived, they made their way over to the strange markings present where Tummy the Black and Dildo Baggins stood. Many Hobbits gathered and listened closely as they learned of the grand adventure in which they were about to embark. Some wore magical cloaks and others wore glorious Rings about their necks. Only one Ring, however, was of any consequence. It would be one Ring to rule them all and it would decide the fate of all who Journeyed. This Ring, of course, was Chalk Talk.
If one so much as one strayed from their given path, they might be lost forever to the Shiggy. If that happened, they would have no choice but to summon the aid of Tummy the Black or Dildo Baggins, which would be of great dishonor. So, you see, wee ones, it was important that they follow this guidance exactly as they expressed.
There would be writings along the way to guide them, as well as delicious tape and blobs to keep them from becoming lost. They were provided instructions and great care was given to remind them to look for the Eye. Their ultimate goal- to vanquish the Thirst and emerge quenched. Several of their companions were off in faraway lands, traversing their own epic Journey. It was indeed an immense task, especially without their fellow Hobbits, but together they could indeed defeat the enemy and emerge victorious!
Once the Hobbits were finally prepared, one last group photo was taken and their Guides left them. Soon enough, it was time for them to embark on their grand adventure. It began easy enough, but soon Hobbits began to struggle with the elevation and Shiggy. They came upon a tunnel, and much to the displeasure of many, proved to be long, dark and quite wet.
Not long after, they emerged from the Shiggy and were greeted by Fee Fi Fo Frodo, who offered them refreshments and a chance to recover from their harrowing trek through the tunnel. There was yet a great distance to go, so they were forced to continue on deeper into the Shiggy. Those brave souls who deemed themselves Eagles pressed on and after many perilous moments, soon found themselves at the Lager Check of one Diddy Kong of Aragorn. Finally, they had reached Mount Doom, the only place that the one Thirst could be destroyed! After much rejoicing their shared survival and imbibing a celebratory beverage, they reluctantly carried on with the task at hand and sought to rejoin their companions.
Our Virgin, Just Peter, got lost at some point nearby as he tried to sacrifice himself off the cliffs of Mount Doom. He stepped too far off the path and slid off the edge, narrowly catching himself on a tree to avoid falling a further 20 feet down. Luckily, his wee cries for help were heard and he was pulled to safety by some heroic wank.
Meanwhile, those who were called Turkeys departed the safety of Fee’s fortress and pressed on and into the dreaded Shiggy. As foretold, they soon came upon the Eye and gazed up in amazement at the giant structure before them. Barad Dur, the Dark Tower, loomed high into the clouds. There, they were met by Tummy the Black and Dildo Baggins, who waited with refreshments. Now, one could climb it, but only at their own peril since each rung of the ladder became more and more deteriorated. Many tried. Many failed. Many simply wanted to enjoy a cold Lager. That they could, because the Thirst was finally vanquished and the Hobbits could celebrate!
After much rejoicing, they departed and made their way back to the Shire, where many companions awaited with more frosty Lagers. At long last, their Journey was complete. Well, mostly complete. There were several tense moments when Just Peter was still off the grid and a search party was imminent before he finally emerged from the Shiggy.
(Wee ones, let this serve as a gentle reminder to always have a companion to share your Journey. Don’t pull a Frodo and leave said companions in the dust, for one never knows when they may be hanging onto a tree or lost to the Shiggy.)
Once all Hobbits had finally returned, all were gathered. Tummy the Black called upon the assistance of Kitty the Shaven and the reveling began. There were visitors and returners to welcome and there was much elation.
Our Guides, Tummy the Black, Dildo Baggins, Fee Fi Fo Frodo and Diddy Kong of Aragorn, were honored for such a Shiggy Journey. Despite best efforts, not one Hobbit was fully lost and there were no actual injuries. The trek to Barad Dur was perilous, but all who completed the trek were impressed by the epic expedition.
To the merriment of all, there were also several Hobbits who celebrated milestones. Digging for Love had completed 69 Journeys, DHL 50 and Diddy 25. Most impressively, Crazy Whorez was honored for completing 100 Journeys without once falling off the cliff and will henceforth be an Elder. All were regaled with refreshing steamers. Huzzah!
Of course, those who attended and completed the Leap Day Hash were honored. Much to the envy of all, these froggy little Hobbits were awarded shiny new patches to adorn their cloaks.
Alas, there were indeed grave mistakes made on this Journey and thus severe consequences.
Kibbles and Vomit was visiting from far off lands and although it’s indeed fact that Hobbits don’t always wear shoes, they damned well do when in the Shiggy. He had left his footwear behind and had to procure new, so he was invited to imbibe from this newly-broken-in Vessel, with PI joining him in solidarity.
Cadbury, our substitute RA, was scolded for creating his very own Super Road to Mordor.
DHL, whom no one had seen in many moons, was finally present! This Hobbit invited him into Circle to hear precisely why the Precious Hashit was held captive for five long weeks. He had earned it two weeks in a row before the long absence and thus owed two distinct additions, but sadly, there was just one.
Unsurprisingly, it was these three naughty Hobbits who were called back into Circle just moments later. Each was put before the other Hobbits to decide which was most deserving of keeping the Precious, but it was soundly decided that DHL was indeed the one. (Now, legend states that the Precious was calling all along to its one true owner, ThéodenDrunk, who was off in far off lands and napping on lawns and laps. Worry not, it is certain that they will reunite once more very soon.)
Soon it was time to depart the immediate festivities, so the Hobbits bid farewell to the Precious and made their way to Second Dinner. More refreshments were consumed and many a burrito was enjoyed as they regaled one another with the epic heroism that had just transpired.
And so, this Journey came to a close and all Hobbits returned home. After all, there were other treks soon to come and much planning to do. For the time will soon come when Birthday Bitches will shape the fortunes of all.
(Okay, look. There’s only one “Return”, okay, and it ain’t of “The King”, it’s of “The Jedi’.”)
-Gex the Grey