Aloha H3 #1723
Birthday Bitches Hash
Hares: Torque & Lick Me, Wet & Dirty, Gex, Kitty, White Boy
So, there I was…
As Hashers began to arrive at On-Start, they were greeted to the sight of birthday hats, balloons and best of all, birthday blowies. (Party horns, you dirty half-minds!) A party was promised and a party delivered!
We gathered around and the Chalk Talk commenced, with the Hares advising Turkeys to take the A-B shuttle and Eagles to follow the Chalk marks. They mentioned there would be a Song Check, various Anatomy Checks as well as a Beer Charger to watch for. Then after a quick group photo, Hares were away!
Several moments later, the Pack set out in search of Beer and the rain flashed through and soaked everyone. As they continued on, another sudden downpour came through and that’s when the wheel came off the bus. All the fresh marks began to wash away. Luckily everyone who’d set out together had no issues getting through the Trailhead because Eagles were already there and Turkeys were shuttled in. Crisis averted, or so we thought.
My Beer Check was right outside the second Trailhead and I arrived just before the second huge downpour. As I was making my way to the spot, I circled the neighborhood and saw that the rain had already washed away the fresh marks leading to On-Home. I noticed the entire area for blocks around either had no visible parking spots or were in no-parking zones. I found an empty zone near the the Trailhead everyone would be cumming out of and waiting for Hashers to arrive. Right away, Trailhead Uncle appeared in his driveway and began watching me. Fabulous.
It was right around then that a couple very late Hashers arrived to On-Start and were having trouble finding marks leading them out of the park. The Hares pulled together and came up with a plan, posting quick directions in the event page and redirecting Eagles to avoid parts of Trail that had just become unstable due to the weather.
Some didn’t get the memo and made it up to Torque’s Fireball Check for birthday shots anyhow. There were near-vertical waterfalls to scale, which proved very slippery when wet and a lovely stream to follow and frolic in most of the way. Of course, there was plenty of fresh mud, roots and ROCKS. Still, it was worth it!
A short time later, Eagles began to arrive and I popped the trunk to satiate their thirst. They had arrived far earlier than expected and I learned that they had accidentally skipped most of the actual Trail and thus missed both the other Checks. Once they finished their beverages, I gave them quick verbal directions to get them back to the ON-Home and sent them on their way.
It wasn’t long before we heard that there was a large group of Eagles still out there, so we knew it would be quite awhile until I could shut down the Beer Check and head back. Several Eagles unknowingly took an inadvertent shortcut to the end of the Trailhead and blew right past both Beer Checks. Those who actually made it to Wet & Dirty and Torque’s Checks were treated to two gorgeous waterfalls and more Birthday shenanigans.
There was a steady trickle of Hashers every few moments and all the while, Uncle just stayed up there in his carport or doing random things in his yard. I mean, what’s suspicious about a person who pulls up in a minivan and opens their trunk and offers Beer whenever people show up? Oh, let’s not forget that the city bus squeezed through the oh, so tight hole at the top of the hill and had to make a sharp right turn every few minutes. That bus driver looked less and less happy with me the more times he had to negotiate around all us wanks who were illegally parked. I pulled up as much as I could to give him more room while still maintaining a visual of future half-minds needing Beer.
A short time later, someone told me that Diddy injured himself on Trail while ascending a waterfall and slipped, catching his hand in a rope as he fell. (F4 actually captured the exact moment this occurred, so be sure to check out the footage!) Fuckin send it.
Naturally, once he emerged from the Trailhead, I had to see the damage for myself and give him a hard time. From the intense swelling and pain, it was pretty clear that he was indeed badly injured. Still, as Diddy does, he’d powered through Trail like a boss, drank his Beer and chose to walk back rather than catch a ride to the On-Home. (I honestly expected no different. Amirite?)
Eventually those slower Eagles emerged and quenched their thirst while Uncle looked on and his curiosity grew. To his credit, he never confronted us, but I as very aware of trying to be as respectful and subdued as possible. All birthday celebrations and libations were quiet and no birthday blowies were given at the back of the car.
Once Kitty arrived and the last Hasher was swept, I began to navigate my car out of the heavy bush on the shoulder so Kitty could catch a ride back with me. It was right about then I saw Uncle finally heading my way. I’m not gonna lie, I was ready for him to give me a hard time and had an apology on standby. I rolled down the window and he asked us the name of our running group. Kitty was quick on his feet and said, “Uh…The Harriers?” (Yep, vague, yet still truthful enough.) Apparently, his daughter is in a local running group and he thought The Harriers might be the same one. Yeah, I’ll bet. He was kind and seemed reasonable, especially when I mentioned that we’d had a few friends lost on Trail and had been coordinating how to get them back safely. (Again, truthful enough!) Seemingly satisfied that we weren’t entirely sus, he wished us a good afternoon and waved goodbye and we drove off.
At On-Home, we gathered and bundled up as the temps dropped and the sky once again opened up. We promised wet, right?
For such a small gathering, we had 5 Virgins on Trail with us, but only one showed up for Circle since the rest had plans not involving a downpour. Solid choice, my friends. Visitors were welcome back and several backsliding wanks were interrogated as to why the hell they made us Hash all alone for so long.
Then it was accusation time! The Hares were called out for the magically disappearing Marks, but it was really on the RA, who once again lost control of the weather.
Although DHL made it to Trail and made sure the Hashit made it to Circle, he failed to add a new item and was long gone by the time everyone arrived On-Home.
Of course, Diddy was called up for his ID-10-Tango rope maneuver.
When it came time to present the Hashit, DHL (stand-in) and Diddy were called back up Although our RA was off at InterHash (not a real event!) and wasn’t even at Trail, the Pack gave serious consideration to awarding it to her anyhow and had Wet & Dirty stand in, just in case.
As much as the Pack loves to reunite RA with her beloved Hashit and how DHL may have neglected his duties yet again, they were simply no match for the impressive way Diddy torqued his hand. Like a true professional, his one good hand was already occupied by his beverage, so he accepted his most glorious prize with his injured hand and hoisted it high for all to see. Huzzah!
Just before closing Circle and dispersing, the Pack sang a rousing version of Hashy Birthday to the March Birthday wanks and a cake was presented and cut. (While having it personalized later that morning, the bakery decorator became confused by the pre-decorated beach themed icing and somehow though she was supposed to write “Happy Beaches.” To be fair, I did tell her it was for a birthday, but the clearly written order slip said no such phrase or even included the word “Happy.” Then again, it’s safe to say we wanks were indeed some happy beaches!)
On-Afters didn’t exactly go according to plan, with the intended location telling us it would be a 45-minute wait for food at the walk-up window. Not to be dissuaded, several of us found ourselves at a rather large table at the Chinese food place across the street. Most were happy enough with their selections, although it took awhile for items to come out and to settle up. I’m not sure how well they accommodate vegetarians since there was an uncomfortable amount of pork snuck into my entrée, but there may be other options if we miraculously choose to try them again.
As promised, the Hares delivered! Joints (or tendons, anyhow) were indeed torqued and Hashers got oh, so was wet and dirty. There were plenty of chances to quench one’s thirst along the shiggylicious Trail. The fast-disappearing marks only made things all the more adventurous and no one truly go lost or fell off a cliff. What better gift can your Hares give? You’re welcome!
-Your (Happy) Birthday Beach
-Gex