Aloha H3 #1726
The Post-Apocalypse Now Hash
Hares: Double Dipped Tip, Tummy Sticks, Pipe Cleaner, Torque & Lick Me, Just Erica
So, there I was…
This was to be the first Hash with the late start time, so there were bound to be one or two things off. It didn’t help that the theme was Apocalyptic, but there was definitely something in the air. A few local characters were raving about how the end was nigh, presumably due to the impending total solar eclipse. The mood was positively apocalyptic.
Wary Hashers began to arrive at the new appointed hour, with faint visions of a similar Hash many years ago. They needn’t have worried; there’s no way things would go sideways like it did then. That would be unimaginable.
The Kennel gathered around for Chalk Talk and the Hares assured everyone that there would be absolutely no use of unsanctioned Haring supplies. Once Titless blew off the hares, he commenced Chalk Talk and indoctrinated the Virgins. Soon enough, the Kennel was off!
It wasn’t long before the Pack realized why the theme was chosen- the terrain and surround area were dystopian and straight out of District 12. At first, the Pack stayed together and had a chance to survey the barren wasteland before them. Errant pieces of toilet paper skittered along the ground like tumbleweeds and strange white blobs were strewn about. A few abandoned shopping carts were left behind and Diddy was warned to leave them alone to avoid having angry muggles at Circle like the previous week.
The Eagles shot up ahead and plunged right into the tunnels and shiggy and the Pack continued on until they reached DDT, Torque and Just Erica. Soon after, the Eagles split off and ran headfirst into their Trail, but a few abandoned that decision faster than District teams in the Arena. Many rejoined the Turkeys instead, winding their way along pipes, beneath a bridge and yet more barren wasteland. Ah… I love the smell of desolation in the morning, er afternoon.
They were treated to strange sightings of lingerie-clad vertical ladders and an expansive concrete jungle and massive spillway, which seems like it would have been a fun waterslide. They waded through waist-deep water and traipsed over log bridges and man-made waterfalls. Vines snaked and twisted into the mouth of a narrow cave and looked otherworldly. Despite the barren scene all around, a few flowers defiantly poked up out of the ground and reassured the Pack that not all was lost.
Eventually, Turkeys looked around and things began to look very familiar and they realized they were close to On-Start. After a few minutes of confusion and thinking they got turned around, they realized they were actually still on Trail when they saw On-On. At that point, they realized Turkey Trail would be short. At least they were able to escape the apocalyptic scene.
Once the Pack had returned, it was time to find a suitable place for Circle. Initially, it was quite a public place, but eventually an apt location was found. After all, we wouldn’t want to draw attention to ourselves or have any issues, right?
Circle was opened and Virgins and Visitors were welcomed. “Jesus can’t go hashing” was sung multiple times, presumably in honor of Easter and how even that dude wasn’t into competing in the Games.
Then it was Hashit time! Though Thunder was nominated for the Hashit yet again for losing the beloved Hashit hand and actually forgetting to bring it on Trail for a while, DDT reigned supreme for laying Trail with the apocalyptic rarity of TP. The horror. The horror.
Finally, the topic circled back to naming Just Jeremy! Several names were thrown about and he was so close to earning his official moniker, but nearby muggles called the cops and the wheels fell off the bus once more. As before, long-time Aloha Hashers had the strangest sense of déjà vu as they recalled an eerily similar incident many years ago. As long as cold beer, hot food, rock ānā roll, and all the other amenities remain expected norm, our conduct of the Circle will only gain impotence. Truer words have never been spoken, my friend.
Circle was dispersed and the frustrated Pack abandoned hope and headed to the designated ON-Afters location just steps away. However, the staff approached DDT and announced that the Pack was no longer welcome and wouldn’t be served. The Pack gave a collective three-fingered peace-out and bid a hearty FU to the Capitol.
Once more, plans were abandoned and a new On-Afters location was selected. Miraculously, there were no cops to deal with and no one was arrested! After a few minutes to cool off and get some much-needed food, naming ideas were tossed around again. “Cop Blocked” and “He Who Shall Not be Named” were among the favorites, but somehow the Universe decided that whatever name he would be bestowed wasn’t worthy and that the timing was simply off. For the second week in a row, that too was abandoned. It seems the idea would have to be tabled and resurrected yet again. I mean, we don’t need another Juice Box Hero, but an uninterrupted naming would certainly be nice.
Just Jeremy, May the odds ever be in your favor!
-Gex