Hash Trash Aloha H3 #1729
The Up in Smoke Hash
Hares: Seamanator, Tummy Sticks, Early Withdrawal and All You Need is Head
So, there I was…
On this aptly named “Hashing” day on 4/20, we were promised a wet Trail where the Eagles would get super high. It was no surprise and all too appropriate to arrive and walk out to someone firing one up as Wet & Dirty was collecting all the Doll Hairs. Eight bucks, little man. Put that Hash Cash in my hand. If that money doesn’t show, then you owe me, owe me, owe. (Actually, there’s no credit system anymore, but still…)
Shortly after, Chalk Tak commenced and Nocturnal snapped a quick pre-mass-injury group photo. At this point, I had a serious case of the munchies, so right as we were dispersing, I grabbed a handful of Wheat Thins to share and we hit the pavement.
The first few minutes were concrete jungle, but it wasn’t long before we reached the first Turkey/Eagle split. Feeling adventurous and up for a challenge, Torque and I decided to take Eagle for that portion. We passed by a gazebo and lush garden before descending the loose terrain and down to the stream.
Although it was fairly shallow and only deep in a few spots here or there, the algae strands were rather impressive and slick. There were precious few options to take the bank, but we did get a few witchy-ways when the stream forked. While the faster Eagles were off getting high on that incline, a couple of us were still navigating our way through the slick water. Someone must have been craving a banana earlier that day, because it seems that F4 found the peel and took a cartoon-like slip while crossing the stream.
There were also numerous opportunities to get caught on errant wires and fences and as we walked through dense trees, their vines entangled us. As usual, there were lots of ROCKS and an abundance of wood, but most of it was flaccid and didn’t make for a good walking stick. Torque did spot a decent for me, although it would have been perfect for pole vaulting instead of traversing upstream.
Another highlight was the unmistakable stench of rotting flesh, which only worsened as we trudged upstream. We did our best to avoid the stagnant areas and grasped onto the poky grass along the bank to avoid going Full Send a la F4. At one point, a particularly slimy stone worked it’s magic and twisted my ankle enough to slow us down just a little. (Just like that, the accident counter reset to zero minutes.) Then again, we were traveling at a medium pace and didn’t think we’d need to worry about being super far behind. It seriously hadn’t been all that long since Wet & Dirty and White Boy left us in the dust.
At one point, there was a large ROCK that asked if we were WET. Although we were indeed soaked by then, we were also quite parched. It had been a long while by then and we were craving a cold one. We just knew a refreshing Beer was imminent and kept our eyes open for the Beer Near markings.
Several long winds and turns later, we finally approached a lovely-smelling overpass and saw the markings we’d been hoping for. A moment later, we approached the T/E split and it took a moment to process that they’d already shut down the Beer Check. Any hope for a Beer went up in smoke.
Disappointed, we continued up and over that Turkey fence, but after a few minutes decided that it was probably best to head back and take the paved road to where Maps said was walkable. After several moments, we saw what looked like a gate blocking our path and as we approached, our worries were confirmed. We called over to the gate guard who said he’d have no problem looking the other way if we wanted to attempt to scale the fence. Although Torque was able to make it over, it wasn’t happening for me so we abandoned that idea. (Much mahalos, my dude- you were our almost-hero that day.) The only feasible option at this point was to retrace our steps down that road and then turn back into the water.
As we were crossing the stream, we saw SuperHole and her visitor, so we called out to them and met up. We were about to pop out into the mowed grassy area that we’d come through on the way in, but they said security threatened to call the cops if they didn’t leave. I think the warning also said something about it being time to “Shoot the Moon,” but that was never confirmed because by then everyone had scattered.
At that point, we skirted the edge of said grassy area and ducked back into the Shiggy and took a few moments to assess while being eaten alive by all the bugs. We’d hoped to be able to hit the main road going that way, but once again, our hopes were dashed. Instead, we’d have to just head back via the water until we found the T/E Split that they’d emerged from earlier. It was actually quite close at that point, so we were relieved to finally be back on solid ground and have a chance to arrive before we lost any more light.
It turns out that the Turkeys made it back a good 45 minutes before Eagles. In fact, when we popped out of the culvert and back onto the road, we were really confused to see Dicklomat and Gayfully making their way just behind us. With the double detour, our timing was better than we expected after all.
It wasn’t long before we were back and able to strip off the algae-covered shoes and shiggy socks and finally get our hands on a beverage. After a few moments and the quick change into dry apparel, the Pack was slightly less frustrated and visibly more relaxed. Like an old Hasher friend once told me, when Trail begins to be one long and dangerous road, I take a toke and all my cares go up in smoke. Well, in my case, a nice cold Beer will do the trick.
As we sat and relaxed, I looked around and saw more than a few Hashers nursing sprained ankles and nasty gashes. In honor of the occasion, party favors were offered from the private stash, but the only thing most of us rolled that day were ankles. Some were taken out by stones instead of getting stoned. Zoinks! The worst injury of the evening didn’t even happen until long after Circle closed, so the Hares are blame-free on that one. (Don’t worry- it was just the tip!)
Whore’N made her famous (special, but not “special”) brownies again for us to inhale before festivities finally commenced. The Chipmonk spread was stellar as usual, so please be sure to thank her for the blood sugar boost next time you see her!
Once the rest of the Pack finally arrive On-Home, Circle commenced. Visitors were welcomed and they regaled us with songs and Returners were interrogated as to why they made us Hash all alone.
Then the Hares were called up and DDT passed around the question of what we through of Trail. (Well, all the Hares except for Early Withdrawal, who made an Early Withdrawal from Circle and bounced.) Consensus was that it was too dry and far too much Beer at the Beer Check.
Head was honored for his Year of Haring with the commemorative patch and Super Hare patches were bestowed upon Wet & Dirty and Hit Dat Spit, White Boy. Then, Schitt’s Creek received his 69 Streamer, although he didn’t seem all that impressed and left Circle to go get all the pets. 4 Ways, F4 and DHL were all “honored” for being the DFL’s.
Then it was Accusation time! The Hares accepted Down-Downs for the vacant Beer Check and for letting DDT, Wet & Dirty and White Boy be the FRBs. They also dropped confusing marks where the Turkey/Eagle split/rejoin, True Trail and the Intersection all too close to one another, which made things especially challenging.
All those who thought they were being threatened with trespassing were called up, to include the Hares. It turns out that it was an automated voice warning trespassers to vacate or risk prosecution, so it was likely less troubling than originally thought, but it wouldn’t be a true Hashing day anymore without Hawaii 5.0 stepping in.
Then it was time to bring forth the Hashit! Thunder wasn’t present since there was a flood emergency to deal with, but there were plenty of other offenses that day anyhow.
4 Ways to Italy (aka TITaly) was brought up for following paint instead of Trail markings and hence getting a wee bit lost. F4 was called up for the banantics and Crazy Whorez for being such a Croc star with unsanctioned Trail footwear. Although each was hilarious and deserving, it was F4 who earned the highest honor and claimed the Hashit.
Circle was brought to a close and the Pack decided to call an audible with the ON-Afters decision.
We ended up returning to a crowd favorite known for their insane frickles and mac and cheese, but mostly for the creepy mannequin in the wahine room. Almost everyone seemed to enjoy their generous portions, but we were revolted by the accidental sushi sticks that arrived instead of fully-cooked fish sticks.
Despite this, it was a fabulous Hashing day. To be perfectly blunt, it was a shitty, wet, gloriously slippery Trail. It was indeed wet and Eagles indeed got very high.
It only reminded me to be better prepared next time. First, pack a roadie or two to share because no one likes to be caught at Beer Check without a Beer. Second, bring Scooby Snacks to go along with that beverage. Oh, and take the bug spray along because the mosquitos also seemed to have an extreme case of the munchies as we contemplated our next arrest-free move. Just like that, the Cops Counter has been reset to zero.
On-On!
-Gex