Hash Trash Aloha H3 # 1738
The Tutu Hash
Hares: 4 Ways to Italy, Wee Wee and Just Liam
So, there I was…
It was a gorgeous day for a Hash, and we arrived with energy to spare and just couldn’t wait to hit the Trail. This being the 22nd of the month, it was only fitting for the theme to involve tutus and the Pack did not disappoint! There were rainbows, neon, patriotic, goth and even fruit-laden tutus!
Before Chalk Talk, we met a group of LARPers who were packing up from a tournament. One walked over with a Truly and asked what fun activities we had planned. We explained a bit about what we do and talked about our shared love for dressing up while engaging in shenanigans and just knew they were our people. They must have felt the same way, because they gifted enormous dragon heads to Tummy and Peter Beater. We made sure they had our website and told them to join us next time they weren’t busy slaying dragons.
Then it was time for Chalk Talk! PI gave a rundown for our Virgins and let them know what to expect along the way. The Nocturnal snapped a group photo and a few moments later, it was tie to go find the Hares!
Several Hashers ended up going straight to the Pillbox instead of following the marked Trail. Both Tummy and Peter Beater ended up wearing them all the way on Trail, which was an impressive feat!
Trail started out with very faint flour blobs at the park, but once we were in the Shiggy, it was easy enough because the Hares had generously marked Trail with orange tape.
It was only a few moments after we’d ventured from the road when a neighbor confronted us about being “off-Trail” and demanded to know where we were going. “Uh, our friends went thataway way- lemme go ask…”
Shortly after that delightful interaction, we saw 4 Ways and her Moscow Mule Shot Check! We enjoyed deliciously zesty shots (and a refill!) before continuing on and deeper into the Shiggy.
Along the way, we talked with Just Jonathon, Thunder’s Virgin. He asked questions about what Trail was normally like or other events we attend, and he actually didn’t seem scared off in the least. I mean, we didn’t tell him everything all at once- sometimes you gotta ease it in a little at a time, amiright?
It wasn’t long before we spotted Wee Wee and Just Liam at the first Beer Check, and we got to relax and enjoy ice cold Coors. Everyone was feeling strong, and we decided to just make our beverages roadies and head back out. Just a moment or so later, we came upon a Picture Check at a huge muddy hill and Nocturnal snapped a group photo for us!
The faster members of the Pack made their way up the mountain and along the ridge to the second Beer Check. There were areas of extremely high Shiggy where it was difficult to see Trail, just the way it should be!
There was also glorious Trail Treasure to be found! White Boy found a Chainsaw and jug, which together make for some decidedly questionable life choices. Once they reached the pillbox, the Pack found the Hares waiting with ice cold Beer! Huzzah! Of course, there were also copious discussions of Hawk Tuah and how it was inevitable that some poor wank would earn that moniker at some point.
Meanwhile, on we went and continued to regale our curious Virgin with tales of Trails past. We crossed one stream and eventually came upon another with a seriously steep incline ahead. The terrain was littered with dead branches, and we were careful to watch where we stepped. It was right about then that I went to descend into the creek bed and heard a snap. I knew right away that it was badly sprained ankle and not a branch and just sat for a minute to let that sink in and formulate a plan.
Wet and Dirty and Thunder reached out the hares to determine how far it was to the next Beer Check and easiest way out. They told us that we were pretty much half-way through, and it was actually a little tougher to keep going, so we decided to just turn back and make our way out.
We immediately looked for a fallen branch that wasn’t dead and eventually found one fit for Gandolf himself. Just Paige was immensely helpful and a gave a quick assessment and made sure I was approaching Trail the best way possible.
We were about a mile and a half at that point, but it was arm day and we just activated Beast Mode and made it happen. A whole lot of ass-scooting ensued, with the occasional mud surfing adventure. Throughout the whole saga, there was fantastic communication between everyone, so they knew we were able to make it out and that we’d all make it back soon.
Someone told us that Diddy would come meet up with us to help, so we let them know we’d be No-No-ing back in the meantime. As we worked our way out, we began to worry about Diddy since he still hadn’t caught up with us. All anyone knew was that he was taking a shortcut to get to us, but no one knew just where he was.
A good while later, Just Jonathan popped out out of the Shiggy in front of us. We asked where he’d cum from and he said he’d taken off by himself to find the pillbox. When we told him that he was nowhere near it and that he was actually much closer to the original Trailhead, he was less than enthused. It could have been worse, my dude! This was when we explained that it’s always a good idea to stick with someone else and also why we wear whistles. Another crisis narrowly averted.
A short time before we found the exit, Kitty made his way back to find us and Teenee also bumped into us as he No-No’d. Trail wasn’t very wet or muddy until the rain started, which made it interesting, especially when the muddy slip n slide slide narrowed down to mere inches. Eventually, we spotted the tennis courts and finally White Boy with the rescue chariot!
We all climbed into the back of the truck and the entire bed was instantly covered in mud- it looked like Jaba the Hut had been mud wrestling back there. All we were missing was the fur bikini. Next time…
On the drive back from the tennis courts, we saw Fee driving to go find Diddy and we later learned that he had bushwacked his way from the pillbox towards our general direction and became severely dehydrated in the process.
White Boy and Wet & Dirty had a portable shower in the back of their previously clean truck and once I got out of the bed, they began hosing me off. Despite how long they worked, the mud just kept coming out.
As this was happening, the Pack began the most glorious version of “Why Are We Waiting?” and we abandoned the attempt and made our way over to the table. To be fair, Circle had been delayed due to some Wank who managed to seriously hurt themselves and had to ass-scoot 1.5 miles back to the Pack. Who could blame them?
Fee had provided her deliciously moist Muffs and she’d also made her famous banana burritos again. After everyone had a chance to grab a quick snack and charge their vessel, it was time to Circle up!
There were Virgins to indoctrinate and Returners to welcome back! One long-time Aloha Hasher was back on island and admitted to losing all her Aloha streamers, so she received an ample fisting, I mean fistful of replacements.
The Hares were called forth and only 4 Ways was there to honor for such a Shitty Trail.
There were several accusations, but this is when I started to zone out a little. Doh! Tummy and Peter Beater were honored for adorning those magnificent dragon heads all the way through Trail. Then it was Hashit time! Since we didn’t have a chance to finish the Hashit presentation from the week prior, Whack a Ho was presented the highest honor. Congrats!
Then Just Erica was called up into Circle! She streamered last weekend and will imminently be named, but we felt we needed a bit more intel. The Pack interrogated her about innocuous details as well as her favorite sexual position, to which she then regaled us with glorious tales of Devils Threesomes and Eiffel Towers. One poor wank asked what that was and she simply told them to Google it. Ooh, la la!
That done, it was time to bring the shit show to an end. Circle was closed and the Pack began to scatter and make their way to go enjoy some wings. Although we really wanted to join, Gash and I headed out to go earn another punch in my frequent visitor punch card. We pulled alongside Diddy’s truck on the way out and talked to him for a minute. He was just resting there on the seat, hydrating with an IV and feeling marginally better than before. I really wanted to make sure he knew how much I appreciated what he’d done and that his heroics didn’t go unnoticed.
Once again, I want to thank the Pack for how amazing everyone was. Thunder, Wet & Dirty, Just Paige, Kitty and Teenee lent a hand or two on the way back, and also Diddy, who bushwacked a new Trail trying to find us. Several others kept in touch throughout and White Boy swept in with our rescue vehicle. Of course, there was also everyone back at Circle who decided not to kick a Gex while she’s down and just offered support instead of the usual ribbing. I truly appreciate all of you. You’re all tutu much.
-Wrex (I mean Gex)