Hash Trash Aloha H3 #1741
The Amazing Race Hash
Hares: PI, Peter Beater Ant Feeder, Geck Ho, and Master Splinter-Bator
So, there I was…
After much anticipation, the day of the Amazing Race Hash had finally arrived! Last year’s event had been a huge success, and we were hoping to make this one even better. The Pack began to assemble at the park and the excitement was palpable. Everyone grabbed a beverage and all participants lined up in a row and grabbed a number from a hat. This was to help keep teams as random as possible and to ensure no Psloppy Pseconds this time, but of the six teams, two had multiple repeat members.
They were given the rule sheet with possible locations to visit, as well as a map of where to find them. There were no Trail markings to lay or follow because they would be choosing their own adventure to earn maximum points before the clock ran out. Several options gave flexibility for location or offered precious bonus points, which clever groups took advantage of later. Once we Hares finished explaining the rules, (which many claimed not to hear since absolutely no one was paying attention) we were blown off and the Pack soon followed.
As they soon learned, this year’s event had a few special surprises! In addition to recreating the iconic beach scene in From Here to Eternity, groups could also find a restaurant and perform the infamous restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally. Yes, yes, yes, YES!
As they completed challenges, groups tagged their designated Hare to keep score and validate points. At Peter Beater’s Check on the Pillbox, groups were to find him up there and be given a chance to earn bonus points. This consisted of them returning with a Beer for him, which Team 4 (aka, Gang Bang) cleverly did later back at the park instead of carrying it all the way back up the ridge.
Master Splinter-Bator manned the Pickleball Check where teams would face off and duke it out. Some resorted to dirty tactics to distract opponents and none could get (and keep) it up, but it was entertaining to watch, nonetheless.
Teams found PI on the beach and enjoyed a frosty beverage before searching for buried treasure in the sand. This challenge consisted of finding as many interlocking alphabet letters as possible. Some teams went the extra mile and spelled out Hashy words for their scorekeeper’s amusement.
One team completed the “Do you think you are healthy, bro?” challenge, which required them to eat the entire “Thunder Humper with the Fixings” in under five minutes. This is a huge burger with a bowl of chili on top and is tough for even five people to complete. However, Thunder, ROTC and Cream Throat Willy downed it between the three of them.
At the Karaoke Check, Team 2 was first to arrive. Newly dubbed “Gex’s Hoes with Tacos,” they performed a duet as the challenge required, then were given the option to do a team song, consisting of “YMCA.” They happily sang and danced to that and earned 20 more points. Thirsty for more, they were thrilled to learn that they had a chance to earn even more points with a bonus bonus. This involved serenading me, so after careful consideration, they chose everyone’s favorite ode to junk in the trunk, “Baby Got Back”! Let’s just say there was lots of rump rubbing going on.
Once they were done, they looked their list of challenges and asked if they could do the scene from When Harry Met Sally there. The location technically served food, so I deemed it acceptable Hash behavior, and they knocked that one out quickly. I hinted to them that since Boardriders was closed and an alternate location was authorized, they could grab their shots from the bar before they left. They ordered their shots, linked arms, and downed them with gusto. Maxed out on points at that Check, they took off to go hit the beach and get their make-out on.
Shortly after, Team 6 arrived. Well, most of them, anyhow. They had to wait awhile before Nadia and Shut The arrived to be able to earn any points. Once they did, I hinted how to earn maximum points at my location. They sang the duet, got their Village People on and then Double Dipped Tip gave a soft, gentle heart-felt rendition of Adele’s “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” which I felt to my very core. There was kneeling, gesturing, lots of eye contact and all the feels.
When preparing for the When Harry Met Sally scene, they wanted Trip Hazard to play Harry, but that was vetoed and Nadia stepped into the role, with Shut The playing Sally. What ensued was them sitting on the floor knee-to-knee, beginning with the buildup and finally Shut The raising his tank top to stroke a nipple in ecstasy. Spent, he took a moment to recover and then the team quenched their thirst with the group Shotski. By then it was time to start heading back to On-Start, so we thanked the staff for putting up with us and made our way back.
The Pack grabbed a pre-game beverage before Circling up while the Hares did a few tabulations. There were still two events left to complete or score, so each group brought forth their collected recyclables to be judged. After that, the teams paired off and they competed in tournament-style rounds of Tug-of-War. In the semi-finals, Team 2 realized they were about to lose and simultaneously dropped the rope to let the other team fall. Once those scores were in and the winner was determined, it was time to Circle up!
Although we had Virgins on Trail, they disappeared before Circle. Visitors were introduced, including Cream Throat Willy who sang us a song, and Lick me Tender, Lick Me Deep, who showed us her penis fly trap. The multitude of Returners were honored and we demanded to know just why the made us Hash all alone. The Hares were honored for laying a shitty “Trail” and heard complaints of “not enough sand, too many alcoholic beverages, and very clear rules.”
Then it was accusation time! Master Splinter-Bator was accused of claiming to have the best Trail of the week, which would have been a fantastic honor, had he not also Hared the H5 Trail on Tuesday. Peter was accused for not being at pillbox and for providing O’Doul’s at the top when the groups finally found him. His rebutthole was that after dropping off a broken Gex and Taco, he had a difficult time finding parking, but eventually found a space when he saw Double Dipped Tip leave the parking lot.
Then it was Honors time! 2 Knuckles Deep was honored for 69 r*ns, so he strapped on the blackout goggles and Double Dipped Tip got to work flossing him with an icy cold Streamer. Then he was sent blindly crawling for his Beer, which he promptly downed.
99 Problems was honored for completing 200 r*ns, more than 5 months late since he couldn’t be bothered to cum to Trail that whole time. (Lest we forget, it was “too cold” to stay at Circle the day he was to be presented the first time.) Since his actual 200 mug wasn’t available, Double Dipped Tip presented his honorary beverage in a wee trophy, filled to the brim with backwash from the Pack. Drink it down!
Then Thunder was Presented that same trophy for her 6-Pack 10K first place win last year. Of course, the Pack recharged that Vessel for her and she was less than enthused about the mix of fluids that slipped over her tongue. It looked gag-worthy, indeed.
Team 4 was then “honored” for winning the r*ce, but promptly accused of not going all-in during their From Here to Eternity beach scene. They were also reprimanded for taking their Shotski from water bottle caps instead of drinking a full shot.
Teams 2 and 6 honored for their enthusiastic singing and Team 1 for beating Misman in the Tug-of-War. ManShatten was stunt liver for Nadia and Double Dipped Tip was stunt for Shut The to illustrate how animated he got during his bare tit orgasm during their When Harry Met Sally scene. It was also pointed out that they wanted to have Trip Hazard stand in for Harry, which would have been a different scene entirely.
Just Paige was called out for being a “boring” Harriette, but her rebutthole was that they haven’t seen her in bed. *Snap!* Lick Me Tender was honored for visiting Whack-A-Hoe and again for flashing during the pickleball match with Team 4 in a brazen attempt to distract them. Not to be outdone by herself, she flashed again during the accusation.
Then it was Hashit time! Since Nocturnal earned the Hashit last week at Campout and wasn’t present this time, it was decided that nominations would pause. Instead, Teenee was called forth with the abandoned Hashit from the California Karrikin H3 in San Diego. Lick Me Tender was called to join him in Circle and the story of Teenee swiping the lonely, discarded Hashit from the barstool was told. He then presented it to her to return to its Mother Kennel, provided they treat it with proper respect and honor from now on. Piss off, you Wank!
Announcements were made, including information for the 6-Pack 10K happening this Friday and finally the new On-Afters location was announced. Since the two groups who found my Karaoke Check enjoyed it so much and others had a serious case of FOMO, it was decided that they’d head back to the Tavern and sing a little more. Circle was closed and the Pack made their way back to get their karaoke on. Complain as they did, the Amazing Race Hash was so much fun, they just had to go back for more! Between the enthusiastic singing, faking Earth-shattering orgasms and passionately rolling in the sand, it’s clear the Pack are truly exhibitionists who yearn to perform for others. I’ll give that a “standing” O.
And, scene!
-Gex