Hash Trash Aloha H3 #1750
The Hash Like a Pirate Hash
Hares: Double Dipped Tip, Nasty Gash, Taco Tuesday
Ahoy!
So, there I was…
This being National Talk Like a Pirate Day, it seemed only fitting that the Crew don proper attire to set out a ‘plundering. With a Shiggy Level of 2.5 and a stern warning to the Crew, thar be no way this peg leg was going to attempt that voyage. We scallywags gathered in the lot just outside the pier and warily peered over at the close-by British Royal Navy frigates. Surely, our group wouldn’t draw attention and activate the flashing blue sails, would we? Not this lot of ruffians…
Not long after, the sole Hare left waiting for the Crew gave careful instructions on how to navigate their voyage. Instructions were simple- follow the flour, chalk, and pink/orange tape. However, if they find the stick with 3 pieces of tape, they be fucked. Lastly, thar be plenty of booty to be found on Trail! Savvy? Formalities out of the way, Captain Nasty Gash hastily set sail.
The Crew took off soon after and set out down a paved road, then continued for a good long while, up a steep hill, then back down. Eventually, they encountered a bone yard which stood as a stark reminder to all that dead cows tell no tales. There were plenty of clues to help them navigate their journey, like the bovine or stone arrows that even One-Eyed Willy could spot from a nautical mile away.
Soon enough, they arrived at the first Beer Check with Double Dipped Cutlass, where they enjoyed a frosty pint with her until it was time to weight anchor.
Along the journey, they saw sights like wild horses being tamed, tree roots shaped like Barbosa’s beard and a shredded blouse swinging from the trees. From there, Super Chickens made their way back to port.
The Turkeys and Eagles all made their way to the Split, where they eventually came to the Shot Check with Tar-co Tuesday. Any Pirate worth their salt enjoyed a long swig of Captain Morgan’s (er, Kirkland Spiced) rum. Seems they all had a little o’ the Captain in ‘em! Arrrrrgh!
At that point, the Turkeys them began navigating back to port, while the Eagles hoisted sail and voyaged further.
As the approached a large open field, they found a place to raise a spyglass to take in the view. They then hoisted a Vessel with Captain Nasty Gash (a Pirate so brave on the Seven Seas) before changing course back to port. (Now back to the good part…)
One by one, the Crew made their way back and checked in. After a while, there were still a few stragglers that seemed lost at sea. The sky was beginning to darken and the Crew was growing restless and wanted to get the festivities going. We heard quite a few cries of, “Get in, get out, quit fucking about, yo HO, yo HO, yo HO!” Finally, we glimpsed sight of our wayward mates and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
Once everyone had a chance to charge their Vessel, the Crew gathered round and Circled up. Thar be one lowly Virgin, who learned how to properly hoist a Vessel from the oldest of sea dogs. We had two new additions to the Crew and one Returner who just can’t seem to stay away. The Hares were then called before the Captain and answered to the Crew for their Shitty Trail.
Next, several members who had been part of the Crew for a good long while stepped forward and received icy-speedbump honors. Those who had fared 75 Aloha voyages were Wet & Dirty, White Boy, and Darby. Sack Attack, Princess Footlong, and Lost in Geo Space had completed 25. Just Kona, Abracadaver’s wet & dirty little pup, had just finished her 6th. Aaaarrrrgh!
Then it was time to have a few Pirates walked the plank! A long line of scallywags was called forth to down the hatch, from MonoRail Me and Party Foul for Auto-Sailing, to those wanks who dared hoist their Vessels uncovered. (Many clever Pirates used a sock and were thus excused.)
When Catch Her finally wandered back and was admonished for being DFL as well as forgetting how to navigate by stars, his rebutthole was that he was “Teenee-ing.” With this, all Guam Hashers joined him in Circle in solidarity.
Never Leave Campers were then called forth, but it was only this peg-legged landlubber who never left port and I proudly hoisted a Vessel alone. The Hares were called in for their abundant use of micro ribbons on Trail, but Diddy Kong Micro Dong then offered support for this “small” gesture.
Just Kona was brought into Circle by Wet & Dirty for frolicking on the poop deck and in dirty water, thus earning Wet & Dirty’s namesake patch.
Diddy and Hares were asked to answer for their crimes of inadequate marks, which may have been mistaken for a Baby Ruth by Diddy. Those that followed blue tape, rather than the pink or orange that was used on Trail, were brought forth. There were quite a few wayward Pirates that took a few extra nautical miles to get their bearings before making their way back to port. This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost got lost on Trail!
Then it be time to man the yards! Those that found Pirate’s booty were called forth, and we paraded our treasure in the form of wee little zebras, mighty cutlasses, and tart fruit. Of course, we also had an appearance by every Goonie’s Baby Ruth-loving friend, Sloth! Diddy Kong Micro Sloth was honored for his uncanny likeness to Mama Fratelli’s accident-prone son and he honored us with his best impression. Heeeey, you guuuuuys! The Hares were then honored for thoughtfully conserving Trail marks.
Finally, it be time for the highest honor of all. Diddy Sloth hoisted the Hashit high to show that it had, in fact, been on Trail. (ThunderDrunk appeared just before Trail to hand off the Hashit to Diddy so this obligation could still be fulfilled.) However, the Crew deemed this offense most egregious and gave no quarter to the absent RA. Without ceremony, she immediately earned the Hashit. Blimy, no one ever saw that coming…
Lastly, announcements were made. Next weekend be everyone’s favorite time of year- Erections! This is yer last reminder to show up and cast yer vote! There was a reminder about Rocky Horror Night and to satisfy yer debts for the sandbar voyage on Sunday. Then the Crew sang one final low swingin’ shanty and went out to find a pint and a wench.
On-Afters was a crowd favorite, known for their chicken and pizza, the latter being tasty and delicious as usual. Though not as delicious as that sweet, sweet rum.
Fair winds and following seas,
Your grog-guzzling mate,
-Gex